After canceling my last cycle, I became rather downcast about my lack of activity “down there.” I began to really internalize the fact that I am not so fertile anymore. Although I look about 25, my body tells a quite different story. One of my ovaries doesn’t even want to talk to me. I began to obsessively look up the internet for stats about follicle numbers and success rates. I spoke with friends who had IVF’d successfully in their early 40s. One of them said that my numbers were actually very good for my age!! She also suggested that I consider finding potential sperm donors to fertilize some of the eggs in order to help increase my chances of a future successful egg transfer. I think she was being overanxious and unfortunately it was contagious. Within days, I had asked a coworker/friend (who is unable to have kids with his wife) whether he would donate sperm. He seriously thought about it but we both decided that it would not be a good idea both for his existing relationship and also due to the fact that I travel so much and would not want him to have as close a connection with a potential child than he would want. I really couldn’t believe I went down that road at all. That was not my original intention!
I spoke with Dr. Grifo on the phone and he said to me that they had the ability to up my regimen of hormones. They are usually cautious with the dosages because of the fear of hyperstimulation of the ovaries and the medical consequences of that. So, it was comforting to hear him say that they had a new plan of attack and he was confident that it would be a better cycle. He also sent me an article indicating that unfertilized frozen eggs have almost an equal chance for a successful transfer than fertilized frozen eggs. That eased my mind tremendously and I decided then and there to just focus on unfertilized egg freezing.
Since the canceled cycle, I have decided to spend the time until the next cycle really working on my health – getting more acupuncture, doing more meditation, engaging in more healthy eating and focusing on the things I can control. Alas, the best laid plans of mice and men often go astray. I went and had a shag with a lovely young man the other day, and now I have a urinary tract infection. I stayed home yesterday from work due to a feeling of malaise and am now peeing blood and on antibiotics. I just hope this hasn’t fucked up my health “down there.”
As much as I would love a man in my life to have children with, now is not the time for me to be fucking around. Then again, life still goes on.