I’m bummed. I’ve had 6 days of stims and the situation looks worse than last time I tried a cycle. I only have 1 follicle on the left and 3 on the right that are growing. The doctor did admit that there are a “bunch more” follicles that are too small to measure that might catch up, but I feel disheartened today. Estradiol levels were 678 which is right on track, but I really hope more follies grow. I just don’t know what’s wrong with my left ovary. It seems to be dead in the water and the other side is not far behind. I am trying to stay positive, but I had to just wallow in my misery today as I sat in my quiet little office cubicle, and unable to talk to anyone about this situation. My mother was incredibly supportive and believes that life is predetermined, that everything happens for a reason. She says she will help me out financially if I decide to go through a 2nd full cycle. My mum really is the greatest. I called a friend who went through IVF and when I told her that the situation was worse than last time, she went “oh no!” which didn’t really comfort me so much. Another friend who just went through a cycle and gave me her leftover meds is encouraging me to try and stay positive.
After work, I decided to treat myself to a foot and back massage down in Chinatown. I found a place that does them for $40 an hour. With tip, it ends up being $50, and every 10th massage is free! It really helped me calm the fuck down. I went home, stabbed myself with more meds, and ate a lonely dinner. When I first decided to undertake this process, I felt incredibly empowered. I never imagined that this process would actually lead me to feel so disempowered. I’m not one for praying, but tonight I think I’m going to pray.