The last couple of days have been rough to say the least. The idea that my ovaries are almost dead in the water just overwhelmed me and I couldn’t stop myself from focusing on the few follicles that seemed to be growing. I actually took off from work early yesterday as I didn’t want to suffer the embarrassment of crying at work and then having to somehow explain my way out of it if someone witnessed it. My friend from work joined me for lunch and supported me through my pessimistic rant. I then went to pick up the leftover meds from my friend before blankly staring my way home on the subway. My bed beckoned and I slept the afternoon away.
Today, I awoke feeling pretty downcast still. I had clearly had a decent amount of sleep, but I felt so bloody nervous about my NYU appointment. Would there be more follicles growing? Would there be fewer? Would I have to cancel this cycle too? I sat on the edge of the plinth awaiting the doctor who would examine me and tell me my fate. To unclench my throat, I took deep breaths and tried to meditate. I listened to my intuition and it told me that before the appointment was over, I would know what to do. Before I knew it, the doctor came in the exam room. It was the resident again. There is something strangely unreassuring about this woman. I feel like she hasn’t developed her clinical interpersonal skills yet and she’s just not as well-seasoned as Dr. Berkeley or Dr. Grifo. Then again, I kind of wish Dr. Berkeley had pushed me towards egg freezing last cycle, but hindsight, as always, is 20-20. The resident conducted the ultrasound and told me that I had more follicles on the right since last time, maybe 4 or 5 now, and still only 1 on the left. She advised me to go through with the retrieval as it seems like this is all I make now. It is likely that I will trigger on Sunday.
Later in the day, I received my daily instructions from NYU. I was to take the usual dosages of Menopur and Gonal-F in the evening (300 IU of each) and then Cetrotide tomorrow morning. My estrogen level was about 958 or so. I went for acupuncture after work and Dr. Chen was noticeably more reassuring than usual. She told me not to feel frustrated and emphasized that quality is more important than quantity. She then related to me the story of one of her patients who had over 50 eggs retrieved in a cycle, an experience that was extremely uncomfortable for her. Less than half fertilized. It wasn’t the most reassuring story she could have told me, but she did give me her opinion on the matter of numbers, saying that between 5 and 10 eggs is better because they are more likely to be better quality. She believes that a high number of follicles/eggs is not necessarily a positive thing.
Overall, I feel a little more upbeat and less stressed. The situation is much more clear now. I will go through with the retrieval and probably go through a second cycle in the near future.