During hormone stimulation, I never felt that bad. No mood swings, no apparent weight gain. In fact, both times I underwent hormone stimulation, I kind of felt great. I love playing doctors and nurses with myself and self-administering injections (yes, I’m a weirdo). I’ve always loved hospitals and work in one because I enjoy the feeling of being on the cutting edge of I know not what. The body is an amazing thing and I just think it’s a miracle that we can even *do* all of this crazy shit that was not possible maybe even 5 years ago.
But….then today hit.
It’s one day post-retrieval and the moodiness is hitting me. I have spent the entire day sitting at my computer, eyes glazed over, feeling absolutely shitty. I want to cry but nothing comes out. I keep imagining other people in my predicament – no man, no prospect of having children – and see them slashing their wrists. Melodramatic? Yes. I won’t do that. Of course I won’t. But I see myself as being a pretty strong individual. I worked to empower myself with this egg retrieval procedure, and upon finding out today that only 4 of the eggs made it to the freeze (3 of which were mature), I was just bummed. Bummed the fuck out. I will be fine. Yes, I will. Tomorrow I will be better. And the day after that even better. I read about some reality show star Diem Brown who was diagnosed with ovarian cancer a second time who went through 2 cycles of egg retrieval with Dr. Grifo as well. She also had 4 frozen in her first round, 6 in her second round. She is only about 30. I guess at 40, I’m lucky. Diem Brown is a cancer patient facing not only the loss of her fertility but also the prospect of cancer. I need to remember that. I’m lucky that I’m healthy and that I even have a chance. I’ve given myself this chance.
I’ve decided to go through with a second cycle of egg freezing. I have about 75% of the money together for this and half of the medications. I know I can do it, but it just completely depletes my bank balance. I’ll have almost no cushion to speak of (not that I did before, but ironically, the rearrangement of my finances for the first cycle gave me a cushion for a short while). I will be fine. Money isn’t everything, and that is definitely a mantra I’ve lived by my whole life. I will be fine.